Sadly, I had a bit of a slip and my final pledge went down the crapper, so I am changing strategy to tackle my 1000 More Implausible Elect-Me Promises. In retrospect, 1000 promises may be a bit ambitious. Rather than publish a rambling list of irrelevant promises, I will critique a random list of my opponents’ proclamations. I will respond first to a number of The Incumbent, Mr. Clarke’s, 100 More Positive Changes for CBRM, and then to one of The Challenger, Mr. MacSween’s, very limited number of issues.
Dr. StrangeJob vs The Incumbent
The Incumbent
93. An expanded Trashformers program will see the addition of 60 new public garbage cans.
We certainly put up with a lot of rubbish these days, but I would prefer a council transformation over a garbage trashformation. Depending on the election results, garbage may not be the only wasteful resource getting canned in CBRM.
52. Line painting on our streets will be done twice a year instead of once.
It is rare to find a politician who knows where to draw the line, but a politician who claims to know both where and when is exceptionally rare. Too bad they plan to use invisible paint for at least one of the two coats – how else to explain the caveat “extra effort will be made to ensure line markings are visible?”
24. Enhanced communication and public engagement capacity.
If current council is re-elected, then expect all existing communication procedures to be updated to include the MacLeod clause: if you don’t have anything good to say, then shut up. Actually, if you elect the incumbent council and start complaining, then I will invoke the MacLeod clause and tell you to shut up as well.
58. Cut red tape around development by certifying pre-qualified contractors as “green-ribbon” contractors.
Is pre-qualified a euphemism for “get your election contributions in early” if you want to be handed a contract later?
80. Career forecast report produced every two years to identify upcoming career opportunities at the municipality.
How about a career forecast report produced every four years identifying new career opportunities for those who find themselves suddenly in need of a new career?
Dr. StrangeJob vs The Challenger
The Challenger
1. Commit $1 million per year to a population stabilization effort.
Good plan, but where do you expect to find the funds? Money doesn’t grow on trees, but then again, squandered spending does hang in baskets on telephone poles.
Dr. StrangeJob promises to promise only promises he actually promises to keep. My first official promise is a promise to resign if I actually break my promise to resign if I don’t meet my election promises within a pre-determined timeframe – let’s say four years.
I may not be able to do better, but CBRM could certainly do a lot worse – and has.
Until next time—that’s my two cents’ worth.
Dr. StrangeJob is a local satirical blogger, retired educator, social activist, and developer of the world’s first 12+1 step self-help group, Incompetents Anonymous.
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